Kindergarten Thoughts…

One month. No, less than a month and we will have a kindergartner on our hands.  This should not be having such an emotional effect on me, but it is. It makes sense that moms who have had their kids home with them since they were babies would be emotional, but he’s been in day care since he was 6 weeks old. Six weeks.  That sounds so young now.  At the time I was so conflicted about leaving him. I really had no choice, but while part of me was loath to be separated from him, the other part of me was also glad to have space and adult interaction.

Now he’s five and asking about when it will be September. He’s so excited and therefore I need to be just as excited for him. But, oh the anxiety that is for some reason creeping in.  That feral part of me wants to protect him from everything, but I know that I have to just step back and watch him go. Maybe it’s harder because it won’t be me putting him on that bus every day?  I feel like I’m losing so much time with them by having to work and I would love more than anything to be able to drive him to school and pick him up, or at the very least to wait with him at the bus stop with his sister and excitedly be there when he gets home.

Sigh.

Anyway, I never did share any pictures from his preschool graduation, did I?

Oh this boy.  Sometimes we’re too much alike.  More and more we’re starting to find a better middle ground. We’re both hot headed at times and need our space.  I can always count on him to be a champion for whoever needs it, though.  Whether it’s protecting his sister from a bully on the playground or trying to keep everyone out of the room while I have quiet time.  You’ll do fine… we’ll do fine.

One small step…

Enzo is officially registered for Kindergarten. I have very mixed feelings on this matter, which is weird to me because I never felt like I would be “that” mom. Both kids have been in day care since they were 6 weeks old, and the transition to preschool was never a big deal because we still dropped them off at the same place every day. Maybe that’s why the thought of him going to Kindergarten makes me feel like my heart is suddenly in a vise.  It should be exciting, I know, but I worry about my boy and this big step into the unknown.

I’ve always had some anxiety along with my depression, but postpartum depression and anxiety were worse because suddenly there were these tiny little creatures I had helped create and was supposed to take care of and all of these ridiculous thoughts and emotions going through my brain all. the. time. Long story short, it’s better now, but the anxiety is more bothersome to me now because I’m not worried about myself, instead I’m thinking of every worst case scenario that involves my children and there are times when it’s hard to breathe and I have to hold back tears because I am so fearful for them.

Overcoming my fears of the unknown and inability to protect them from everything is a work in progress. Out of the past my own fears, traumas, failures and hurts will suddenly appear and I’m reminded of those things I would do anything to protect my own children from. But I can’t. I know this, and yet it doesn’t make it any easier.

I know that I cannot live in fear because that isn’t living. My life would be vastly different had I lived in a protective bubble and yet I survived it all and perhaps am better for it. I think it’s really been within the past 6 months that I’ve started taking more chances and have tried to do things that challenge my fears and have overall tried to have more trust and faith that everything works out the way it should… and really, it does. For the longest time we didn’t want to switch the kids day care because that’s what they’d (we’d) known since they were tiny babies. The idea of changing and leaving their friends was just not something I wanted to deal with until we were left with no choice. The result?  The kids are doing great in their new environment and we should have probably made the switch sooner.  They don’t have any close friends, yet, but those will come.

As we get ready for our highly sensitive boy to enter Kindergarten I have to remind myself to breathe and trust that he’ll be fine. We just need to give him the proper tools and that means he needs to see me handle fear and change and adversity with strength and optimism. More than anything I want my kids to grow up to be strong and confident and caring.  So, when he steps on that school bus for the first time all by himself, I will put a smile on my face and cheer him on as he embarks on his own new adventure and I will trust that he’ll be okay.