Think of a place…

I considered doing a “Currently” post or something similar, but thought against it because… reasons.  Then I asked myself why I’m back here at all randomly on a Wednesday.  I haven’t picked up a camera in weeks, so I don’t even have any photos to share on a hastily little-thought out post.  Why am I here?  The eternal question.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all existential.  I don’t have the energy for it.  I have been reading a lot of Self-Help books, however. Aren’t they supposed to… oh, I don’t know, make you feel better about things in general?  Here’s some motivation and guidance, now go take on the world and yada yada yada.  Lately they just make me feel kind of shitty and heartfelt rom-coms just… make me sigh.

Realism here.  Most days I don’t feel like I can take on the world. Some days I’m uncertain if I can even take on getting out of bed or being a parent or a friend or hell, I’m not sure I could even take on being a house cat and their lives aren’t exactly challenging, you know?

Maybe it’s winter… maybe it’s chemical… maybe it’s the stars.  I just figured I’d have shit figured out by the time I was 35 and not as though I’m floundering in the deep end of the pool waiting for a life preserver that simply isn’t there.

It’s days like this that I dream of the mountains.

You know those exercises where you go to a happy place in your mind? You imagine someplace that brings you peace and grounds you.  Mine used to be a field of sunflowers (sometimes it still is) but when I’m contemplating the big stuff, I go to where I feel safe and secure… up near the tree-line.  I picture all of my favorite places in the mountains that we went to when I was younger. I hear a pounding waterfall and rushing creek and feel the icy cold spray that makes your skin ache.  I run to the edge of a mountain and feel the pull of the earth as it warns me not to get too close.  I feel the wind wrap itself around me and can just hear the sound of marmots and other small critters scrambling over rocky crags. I close my eyes and sit in quiet solitude and feel at peace.

A New Year

A new year has arrived and considering my absence of late, I’m not sure how much longer I intend to keep up this blog.  The kids are getting older, and I feel like I should probably give them more privacy, and in all honesty my interest in keeping things up has waned a bit.  I go back and forth between how much I want to share on here, and when I feel as though I have to omit things, it just feels false.  I haven’t even really picked up a camera lately and in general, I once again find myself in that place of uncertainty.

2017 was much like any other year with highs and lows and so much in between.  There was growth, boundaries were tested and pushed, I found passion in a new hobby and started to find myself again. There is only so long you can push who you are further and further down beneath the surface before that part of you demands to rise up for air – much the same as when you push thoughts or emotions away and at some point you must meet them and hopefully are prepared.

Time will tell.

I can’t say for certain what 2018 will bring, but it is my hope that it is a year that I will look back on with joy and fondness, which means I’d better figure my shit out and make it that way.  I know many people choose a word for their year, and generally I don’t because… well, I just don’t. If I were to choose a word for 2018, though, I would go with BRAVE because I want to live bravely this year. I want to take more risks and continue to grow.

It’s actually funny, but the last time I had such an emotional breakthrough was 10 years ago and boy was that a hell of a year (admitted myself into in-patient treatment and then met Josh a month later).  So… maybe 2018 is going to be the year, after all.

Random Facts About Me…

Because… why not?  Maybe it’s slightly cheating, but I’m still writing, right?

Random Things about Me

  • I will never own an electric knife because of the movie Maximum Overdrive. You know the one, right? Fairly cheesy where all the machines (electric and gas operated) turn on everyone?  Well, for some reason the electric knife scene has stayed with me…
  • I have a serious case of cute aggression. I want to squeeze the fluff out of all of the adorable cute, cuddly soft things!!!
  • Water is not my favorite thing to drink and I’m really particular about the taste. I can’t drink water if it’s a day old or has been sitting out (hello, dust) and not all bottled water is considered equal. The only bottled water I like is Fiji (I mostly drink tap water, but prefer it to be filtered and ice cold). Dasani is one of my least favorite bottled waters.  I’m a water diva, what can I say?
  • I have been dyeing my hair since I was 12/13ish… I think the longest stretch I’ve gone without coloring it was when I was pregnant. It all began when my mom wouldn’t let me color my hair, so I grabbed all the red Kool-Aid in the house, mixed it with water in a big bowl and stuck my head in the bowl for half an hour.  She wasn’t happy when I walked out of my room with my new locks.
  • I want a small hobby farm one day with bees, rabbits and chickens/ducks and maybe a goat or two.
  • I have a major fear of any kind of apocalypse or major disaster actually happening. The idea of a major World War freaks me out and I rarely watch doomsday movies (unless they are super cheesy) because they give me extreme anxiety and suddenly I find myself on Survivalist websites and planning a bunker and making lists of what we need and where we should live should a zombie apocalypse occur.
  • I have a hard time saying “No.” Of course I want to round up for that charity and every charity. Of course I want a pound of coffee so I can get a free coffee because that totally make sense.  Yes, sell me lipstick. Of course I want to buy perfume out of the trunk of your car because that seems totally legit (it did actually smell like the designer stuff too!!).  Yes, random kid who can smell a sucker a mile away, I will absolutely buy a gallon of the cleaner you’re selling just so you’ll leave.
  • I’m an INFJ.
  • My ideal afternoon would be spent lounging under a massive tree in the most perfect of prairies, reading a book. When I’m driving, I always notice trees and one day I am going to have a house on acreage with gently rolling hills and amazing trees for picnics and lazy afternoon reading/day dreaming sessions.

August Blogging Challenge – Day 1

I was inspired by another blogger to take on a challenge for August. For better or for worse, I’m going to blog every single day.  Okay, maybe not weekends… we’ll see.  Regardless, that’s still a lot of days, and more than I typically do, so a challenge it is.  Why do this, considering not many people even read this blog?  It’s more for myself.  Maybe I’m hoping that by forcing myself to do something even when I feel like I have nothing to say it will maybe give me some kind of motivation to tackle some other things.

Lately I’ve been feeling like I need to re-evaluate a lot of things and really look at my priorities and where they are right now vs. what they should be/need to be.  At the moment I only have so much time in a day and I’m often torn during the hours that are considered “free” on how to best spend that time.  I think that is the hardest part of parenting, to be honest. There are many times when I really, really want to just sit down with a book, but I’m being pulled in different directions to do other things that, let’s just be honest, aren’t necessarily what I want to do, but my kids do.  One day I’m going to make certain I have more time with my kids so that in turn I have more time for myself as well.  One day, I will be able to drive my kids to school and pick them up in the afternoon and spend the majority of the summer with them rather than them being in day care. One day I’m going to do something that makes me feel fulfilled and proud.

Photo Dump – Tea Parties, Dragons and More!

I have so many random photos from the past few weeks/months, so it feels like the perfect time to do another photo dump and figure out just where all my time has been going and because I wanted to save the pictures for reasons, but then they somehow never made it into a blog post, so here we go!

Can’t say that a book makes a very good pillow, but you know…

Not gonna lie, we’ve had a LOT of ice cream so far this summer.

Finally Josh joined us at the zoo!  Haha!

Playground break during carnival fun!

Phoebe had a picnic for her stuffed animals, and I included their names so no one is confused as to who is who.

Can’t have too many Bowser pictures, right?  He’s slowly growing!

The first and last time he held Bowser.  They get a little freaked out by his tiny claws.

Feed me, Hooman!

Best kitty ever.

Sleepy boy.

Before our pancakes were cooked.

Love when they bring me home colorful art!

He really is the best cat…

This one, however, is very naughty. 😉

The other reason for this photo dump is because I’ve just been really busy and distracted by other things.  Time to settle down and create a schedule for myself again, methinks!