Think of a place…

I considered doing a “Currently” post or something similar, but thought against it because… reasons.  Then I asked myself why I’m back here at all randomly on a Wednesday.  I haven’t picked up a camera in weeks, so I don’t even have any photos to share on a hastily little-thought out post.  Why am I here?  The eternal question.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all existential.  I don’t have the energy for it.  I have been reading a lot of Self-Help books, however. Aren’t they supposed to… oh, I don’t know, make you feel better about things in general?  Here’s some motivation and guidance, now go take on the world and yada yada yada.  Lately they just make me feel kind of shitty and heartfelt rom-coms just… make me sigh.

Realism here.  Most days I don’t feel like I can take on the world. Some days I’m uncertain if I can even take on getting out of bed or being a parent or a friend or hell, I’m not sure I could even take on being a house cat and their lives aren’t exactly challenging, you know?

Maybe it’s winter… maybe it’s chemical… maybe it’s the stars.  I just figured I’d have shit figured out by the time I was 35 and not as though I’m floundering in the deep end of the pool waiting for a life preserver that simply isn’t there.

It’s days like this that I dream of the mountains.

You know those exercises where you go to a happy place in your mind? You imagine someplace that brings you peace and grounds you.  Mine used to be a field of sunflowers (sometimes it still is) but when I’m contemplating the big stuff, I go to where I feel safe and secure… up near the tree-line.  I picture all of my favorite places in the mountains that we went to when I was younger. I hear a pounding waterfall and rushing creek and feel the icy cold spray that makes your skin ache.  I run to the edge of a mountain and feel the pull of the earth as it warns me not to get too close.  I feel the wind wrap itself around me and can just hear the sound of marmots and other small critters scrambling over rocky crags. I close my eyes and sit in quiet solitude and feel at peace.

Turning 35

Tomorrow I turn 35.  The end.

It’s not exactly a milestone year, but it has definitely been on my mind and as I get closer to 40 (!!!!) it makes me get a little existential and if I’m not careful can lead to a certain amount of anxiety.  No one really wants to think about their mortality, do they?  While I’m not on my deathbed by any means and I’m not having a mid-life crisis… exactly, I am certainly becoming more aware that my time on earth is finite and I have not reached my fullest potential and while I may not know what that is… the clock is ticking. How much more time do I spend just casually strolling through my life?  I feel like I’m window shopping and I keep looking at all these amazing items in store windows and either lusting over them or telling myself that I can’t have them because of reason a, b or c.  I am excellent at making excuses and hiding behind fear and quite frankly I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time. Not all of it, of course!  I’m just becoming more aware that I’ve spent a lot of time walking away from the edge rather than just leaping and putting faith in the universe/my abilities.  So… 35 is going to be different. Lots of changes… I hope in store.

Okay, enough of that. Here is a picture of a lamp I bought recently.

Who knew a little table lamp would make such a big difference in our living room?  I can even read on the couch at night again!  Ha!  Finally an impulse Target buy that was truly really worthwhile.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!