Category Archives: On My Mind

Think of a place…

I considered doing a “Currently” post or something similar, but thought against it because… reasons.  Then I asked myself why I’m back here at all randomly on a Wednesday.  I haven’t picked up a camera in weeks, so I don’t even have any photos to share on a hastily little-thought out post.  Why am I here?  The eternal question.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all existential.  I don’t have the energy for it.  I have been reading a lot of Self-Help books, however. Aren’t they supposed to… oh, I don’t know, make you feel better about things in general?  Here’s some motivation and guidance, now go take on the world and yada yada yada.  Lately they just make me feel kind of shitty and heartfelt rom-coms just… make me sigh.

Realism here.  Most days I don’t feel like I can take on the world. Some days I’m uncertain if I can even take on getting out of bed or being a parent or a friend or hell, I’m not sure I could even take on being a house cat and their lives aren’t exactly challenging, you know?

Maybe it’s winter… maybe it’s chemical… maybe it’s the stars.  I just figured I’d have shit figured out by the time I was 35 and not as though I’m floundering in the deep end of the pool waiting for a life preserver that simply isn’t there.

It’s days like this that I dream of the mountains.

You know those exercises where you go to a happy place in your mind? You imagine someplace that brings you peace and grounds you.  Mine used to be a field of sunflowers (sometimes it still is) but when I’m contemplating the big stuff, I go to where I feel safe and secure… up near the tree-line.  I picture all of my favorite places in the mountains that we went to when I was younger. I hear a pounding waterfall and rushing creek and feel the icy cold spray that makes your skin ache.  I run to the edge of a mountain and feel the pull of the earth as it warns me not to get too close.  I feel the wind wrap itself around me and can just hear the sound of marmots and other small critters scrambling over rocky crags. I close my eyes and sit in quiet solitude and feel at peace.

A New Year

A new year has arrived and considering my absence of late, I’m not sure how much longer I intend to keep up this blog.  The kids are getting older, and I feel like I should probably give them more privacy, and in all honesty my interest in keeping things up has waned a bit.  I go back and forth between how much I want to share on here, and when I feel as though I have to omit things, it just feels false.  I haven’t even really picked up a camera lately and in general, I once again find myself in that place of uncertainty.

2017 was much like any other year with highs and lows and so much in between.  There was growth, boundaries were tested and pushed, I found passion in a new hobby and started to find myself again. There is only so long you can push who you are further and further down beneath the surface before that part of you demands to rise up for air – much the same as when you push thoughts or emotions away and at some point you must meet them and hopefully are prepared.

Time will tell.

I can’t say for certain what 2018 will bring, but it is my hope that it is a year that I will look back on with joy and fondness, which means I’d better figure my shit out and make it that way.  I know many people choose a word for their year, and generally I don’t because… well, I just don’t. If I were to choose a word for 2018, though, I would go with BRAVE because I want to live bravely this year. I want to take more risks and continue to grow.

It’s actually funny, but the last time I had such an emotional breakthrough was 10 years ago and boy was that a hell of a year (admitted myself into in-patient treatment and then met Josh a month later).  So… maybe 2018 is going to be the year, after all.

Turning 35

Tomorrow I turn 35.  The end.

It’s not exactly a milestone year, but it has definitely been on my mind and as I get closer to 40 (!!!!) it makes me get a little existential and if I’m not careful can lead to a certain amount of anxiety.  No one really wants to think about their mortality, do they?  While I’m not on my deathbed by any means and I’m not having a mid-life crisis… exactly, I am certainly becoming more aware that my time on earth is finite and I have not reached my fullest potential and while I may not know what that is… the clock is ticking. How much more time do I spend just casually strolling through my life?  I feel like I’m window shopping and I keep looking at all these amazing items in store windows and either lusting over them or telling myself that I can’t have them because of reason a, b or c.  I am excellent at making excuses and hiding behind fear and quite frankly I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of time. Not all of it, of course!  I’m just becoming more aware that I’ve spent a lot of time walking away from the edge rather than just leaping and putting faith in the universe/my abilities.  So… 35 is going to be different. Lots of changes… I hope in store.

Okay, enough of that. Here is a picture of a lamp I bought recently.

Who knew a little table lamp would make such a big difference in our living room?  I can even read on the couch at night again!  Ha!  Finally an impulse Target buy that was truly really worthwhile.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

August Blogging Fail

Well, so much for blogging every day in August. You know… I’m not even sorry. I haven’t been in the mood, and I’m okay with that. Things have been both slightly quiet and dull, but at the same time busy and I have a lot on my mind, just nothing I have wanted to write about.  Honestly, I haven’t even picked up my camera and I’m just trying to figure out where this month went and what I’ve been doing.

This photo? Not new…

Not this one either.

I suppose I’m at one of those points where I’m not sure where I want this blog to go. Do I keep it up for myself?  Do I attempt to make it something more that attracts more readership, and is that even possible considering I’m not exactly spectacular at writing or even that interesting.  (Not fishing for compliments here, just genuinely unsure what I would blog about that would capture a vast amount of readers’ attention).  I also just have other things going on, and I’m not sure if it wouldn’t be better to focus more on those things.

Maybe it’s it’s just the eclipse talking… I hear the effects can last a while and I know a lot of people have mentioned they have been feeling “off” for lack of a better word. Making rash decisions, being far more compulsive than usual or moody.

From my favorite Chani Nicholas for this week and to come:

During eclipses, we are asked to understand where in our lives we feel eclipsed. What issues we are harboring that tend to eclipse our ability to heal. What wounds rob us of joy and connection. So that we can bring a little bit more awareness to the work we need to do. So that we can be better agents in the process of the world’s healing. So that we can be better agents in our own healing. 

The meaning of eclipses do not unfold in one day. They unpack themselves over longer stretches of time. They occur in the same sign over the course of a couple of years, revealing  the potency of these portals slowly. This week’s total solar eclipse is one of a cluster occurring in Leo from 2017-2019. It is arguably the most dramatic of all of them and the most visually stunning, but remember that it isn’t the whole story.

We’ll have to live out the rest, in order to truly appreciate its significance.

She is always SPOT ON if you’re into that and want to read your own.

On that note, I think I have rambled enough. Time to go retire back into introverted thinking while outwardly maintaining a persona of productivity and optimism. 😉

Find Joy

There is a whole lot of Yuck happening right now around the world, and while I know it’s important to know what is going on, there are times when I need to just take a few steps back and just focus on what is immediately around me.  Focus on my family and all of the things I am grateful for, but always conscious of the things that I can do to hopefully make the world better in some way.  Sometimes simply deciding to smile when all you want to do is cry can make a difference.  I can’t personally focus too much on everything that is wrong in the world, so I choose to focus on what is right. I choose to remain an optimist.